In Plain Sight: A True Story of Kidnapping and Rape
By Anna D Stoddard Book Review by Miranda Moses (Fraser) ISBN: 9798670753326 Before I get into this book Review I have some things I'd like to discuss first. I'd like to state that this is a story that may be triggering to some people because of the topic of rape. I also want to clarify that I am not including this in the Halloween Book Review Series of 2020 because I am making light of this topic. It is actually a very important topic in my life, so make no mistake I feel very deeply for the author. However, I had already planned on including a "true crime" novel in the series this year, as I had listened to other readers saying that they prefer that genre over paranormal stories. But when I heard this author on Tik Tok discussing how she was dealing with a custody battle with her rapist after 10 years... my heart sank and my anger burned. And then she was explaining how Covid got her book signings canceled and she was in the hole for all the books she had purchased for those. Well, a decision was made. I bought this immediately, and I've swapped it for the other true crime book. I want to help share this book and hopefully get her some more sales. And just to clarify, I get nothing out of this but the joy of helping someone else. Now, let's get into the actual book review. As I stated above, this is a true crime novel. It was written by the victim herself and it had to have taken a lot of courage to write this story. From a literary standpoint, I will say that there were writing style choices that were not my cup of tea and I'm sure there are others who are going to feel the same way. My biggest example of this was the repetitive telling of how "small framed" the author is. I understood that she was trying to explain why she was easily injured or inebriated but there was just something about the way it was written that I didn't care for. HOWEVER, I also know that I am not reading a book written by an English major or someone who's sole focus is the written word. I am reading, essentially, a survivor's memoir. And so I want to bring that up and remind other's of that as well. Before you rip into an author try and think about where they are coming from. This is a raw story to tell and it is also her first book. The story revolved around Anna and her kidnapping and her assault spanning several weeks. She starts by telling about her home life as a child and the emotional and physical abuse she had growing up. She says that it may help readers understand what led her to making choices that put her in this situation to begin with. And while I do find it fascinating to hear background stories behind what leads a person to do the things they do I also wanted to make a VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: none of that matters. None of it matters! No matter what she did, wore, drank, who she trusted or where she went- she did not DESERVE to be raped. I will die on that hill and I will delete and block anyone who has the audacity to come on this book review and victim blame. Because I do not play that game. Of course, anyone can hear a story and think "I wouldn't have done that" or "I wouldn't have gone there" etc, but you ultimately don't know what you would do if you've been through any of the things she describes. You're also hearing a story ten years later. That's ten years of thinking this over and over. That's ten years of growth, mentally maturing, and a lot of hind-sight's 20/20. So you're not hearing a 19 year old's brain and how it's working through things. It's easy to hear a 30 year old woman be like 'red flag there' and 'should of listen to my gut' and then judge what she's doing in the book. I hope that made sense because I know what I'm trying to convey but I also know I'm just getting REALLY passionate and subsequently worked up, lol. In Conclusion, it's hard to say "this was a good book!" because that feels so weird to say about a story that is so heartbreaking. This book is full of graphic details, abuse, pain, and horror. You want to jump in the book and shake the cops that aren't taking this seriously. You want to kick the man's teeth down his throat and save her. But you can't do any of those things. All you can do is read and sympathize. You can also share this story as a warning to the young people in your life. A warning that, while you don't deserve anything bad happening to you, there are really bad people out there and this book may help you to think about who you trust. AND it's also a symbol of hope. It is always empowering to hear from survivors who work hard to share their stories and come out stronger despite them. And finally I will say the author is now happily married to a wonderful man who loves her and her son. She has stated that she will always pick her son and that he is the best thing to come out of that horror. And I think that's so beautiful. She is also working to help other victims! If you want to purchase this book here is a direct link to the author's stock. It's 15 for a book or 20 for a signed copy. https://annadstoddard.com/?fbclid=IwAR30cKgyhDAI1n8oDU0RD6RdINn0rnsAQtFhheXtFEyUPhne3RkBgGgVEO4
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True Irish Ghost Stories
Compiled by St. John D Seymour, B.D., Litt. D. and Harry L Neligan D.I.R.I.C Book Review by Miranda Moses (Fraser) ISBN: 978-1-4351-1793-8 I want to start by saying that I categorized this under "nonfiction" because that it what the author is claiming to be giving us. Whether or not these are all true stories is up in the air. I hope that the people telling these stories at least believe in them, but there's always some room for skepticism. And I am a person who has experienced paranormal activity and do believe in otherworldly things, so understand that I'm not saying that to be mean. I was really intrigued by the overall concept of the book when I first saw it. I mean I love Ireland (I'm proud of my heritage) and I believe in/enjoy these kind of topics. But how did the book hold up? First of all, this book is rather old. It was first published in 1914, and the language and writing style definitely reflects that. Honestly, at times it was a little difficult to read. Part of that is simply the way the stories are told another part is the way he blocked names. The books background is that the author decided to put ads out all over Ireland asking people to tell him their personal paranormal experiences. And he received hundreds of stories but a lot of these people did not wish to be publicly identified. So he would cut off the name like "D-" or "Mr. -" Which is fine, and makes sense, unless they also wanted other names censored and then you have a whole paragraph with names like that on top of the older language. It could be very confusing at times. It honestly would have made more sense to me if he had simply changed the names and put a disclaimer at the beginning of the story that some names were changed for privacy. Secondly, this is a very slow read. It's not a fast paced horror genre or an edge of your seat kind of story experience. These are small paragraphs on top of other paragraphs of people explaining their scares. Most of which are very similar, making the outrageous ones REALLY feel exciting, but otherwise they kind of blend together. Though he does have the book sectioned off into categories. These are either by region or by experience. For instance you have "Haunted Houses" followed by an area of Ireland these stories are coming from, or "Poltergeists", "Banshees and other Death Warnings", "Mistaken Identity" etc. With that being said if you're looking for a particular kind of ghost story it may be convenient for you to simply go to that section of the book. I for one was excited for the poltergeists and banshees. In conclusion, this is not a book for everyone. In fact when I was getting the Goodreads information on the book I could see from the reviews that many people felt the same way I did. It was too long and slow of a read or the language held the stories back. I couldn't help but feel like this was a boring read but would probably make for a great tv show where they have someone telling the story and then a reenactment of the story happening- like those ER dramas. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. But despite it being my least favorite out of this Halloween Book Review Series, I did enjoy parts of it and recommend you look into yourself. As always links to the author's pages can be found down below. Read on my fellow book worms, may we one day have Belle's Library. The Hidden Power of F*cking Up
by The Try Guys Book Review by Miranda Moses (Fraser) ISBN: 978-0-06-296236-2 The entire purpose of this book can easily be summed up with this sentence, “We have to work to change our perspective: failure is a step forward, not a step back.” This thought should come as no surprise from a group of men who call themselves the Try Guys. I’m sure even if you’re unfamiliar with Youtube you’ve probably seen them shared on your Facebook timeline or heard someone talking about their outrageous videos. They were Buzzfeed royalty until they fought hard for their own name/ property and officially started the Try Guys business. It’s really a beautiful story of unlikely friendship and some hardships. But here they are, four best friends who not only make viral videos that are fun for all ages, but have now sat down and written a book to share with the world. I thoroughly enjoyed this book as someone who's already watched them for a long time. If you are a fan of their youtube videos don’t worry there is still plenty of new information to behold. A lot of the youtuber books I’ve read so far are pretty much already videos they've done and so there wasn’t much new information to gather. With this book they did a great job of giving you some video information/things you’ve already heard on their videos, but also presenting new information that hasn’t been shared or elaborated on. Honestly, it's a great way to write this kind of book that way old AND new fans alike get the necessary information. The only “parental” warning I really feel like this book needs is that there are swear words in it. In fact it cracked me up that every time they put an inspirational quote they would put the person’s name with a swearing middle name such as, “Winston Fucking Churchill”. But these are a bunch of grown men telling their life’s story and their main audience are older teens to adults so it shouldn’t be surprising that they have adult content. Personally, I enjoy this. There are creators aimed at younger audiences and then there are those who strive for more mature age groups BUT still uphold wholesome values for all ages. Their entire philosophy is to try new things. To break the mold because sometimes we get too comfortable and miss out on opportunities. And a lot of times we do this because we're afraid of failure. But if you go into things 'planning' on failing you win no matter what. I guess as a pessimist this kind of logic makes sense to me. I was a Dean's list student who always got a's and b's but there wasn't a SINGLE test that I didn't go into thinking "I'm going to flunk" and come out of it thrilled no matter what my score was because there was almost no chance I was ACTUALLY going to fail. Pessimist. *Thumbs up* In Conclusion, I highly recommend this book for ANYONE who is already a Try Guys fan. It was really nice learning new things about them and their families. I would be lying if I said I didn't cry at quite a few parts (especially Ned and Ariel because they have the cutest marriage ever). AND to anyone who needs a boost in confidence. This book is loaded with tips I don't even know if they KNEW they gave. Sure, there are expert advice tips and such throughout the story, but some of the things they tried or worked to overcome served as amazing lessons for people like me who are so terrified to try new things that their anxiety often holds them back. Read on my fellow book worms. May we one day have Belle's library. And as always links to the author's pages can be found down below. Fun Science: A Guide To Life, The Universe, And Why Science Is So Awesome by Charlie McDonnell Book Review by: Miranda Moses (Fraser) ISBN:978-1-84949-802-9 Admittedly it has taken me WAY to long to read this book...even though I preordered it when it was announced. So I was really excited that this YouTuber series was giving me the perfect opportunity to finally sit down and read it. Now, while I enjoy science, I generally don't enjoy reading nonfiction. BUT Charlie McDonnell did a fantastic job with this book! I was laughing and enjoying the connections he was making. I can only relate this kind of ease and enjoyment to watching Drunk History. They teach you something you may not have known before, but in such an entertaining way that you just want to come back for more! This is Charlie's first book, however he has been dabbling with "Fun Science" videos on his YouTube channel for quite some time now. They are always entertaining with a great flow to them. The book reads exactly like those, so if you've never heard of him before, don't worry I will link his YouTube page below. In those videos he covers all kind of topics like, "How Does Music Affect Us?", "What Makes Something Cute", and "Why Do Our Taste Buds Change Over Time?". All of which are really fun and fascinating to think about. This book however, really is a basis of our universe. It starts out covering the universe, then the planets, right on down to our bodies and finally particles that make up everything. So I felt like it kept a nice concise flow without jumping around or out of place. BUT I would LOVE to see another Fun Science Book with more random topics like what is covered in his Fun Science Videos! Another HIGHLY enjoyable part of this book are the illustrations and the editors notes that are found around the pages. The entire book is set up in this fun flowing style where you don't FEEL like you're sitting down with a school textbook, BUT you also know you're actually learning quite a bit. I am going to include some example photos to show you what the inside looks like. Please don't come after me book people I want you to sell a lot of these! We need more Fun Science! Plus there were several "fun facts" that made me laugh so hard it was kind of embarrassing.
In conclusion, I really really enjoyed this book. I would happily read any text book that it set up with this kind of ease and familiarity. Education is so important but let's face it, it's hard to care when it's not presented in an interesting way. I feel like this book is great for younger ages as well as older. I will definitely let me sister read this when she starts getting to that kind of science (she's 8 so right now the focus is on small things). I hope this book gets more attention and one day we can have all kinds of Fun Science Books lining the shelf! THIS is the way I want to be educated.... well this or drunk people, lol. Read on my fellow book worms. May we one day have Belle's library. And as always links to the author's pages can be found down below. You're Never Weird On The Internet (almost)
By Felicia Day Book Review by Miranda Moses (Fraser) ISBN: 978-1-4767-8566-0 Oh man, if you know who Felicia Day is you probably know her for her work as Charlie on Supernatural. A lot of people do. I take no offense and I doubt she does either. In terms of being a youtuber though, she was one of the first. Youtube hadn't really been a thing all that long when she graced us with a web series called, "The Guild". This is where I discovered her and fell in love with her work. After/during the end of "The Guild" she also ran a channel on youtube called Geek and Sundry. So though she is known for her television works, and to some people, her love of books, she is an OG Youtuber. Making her perfect for this series! This book is a memoir about her life, how she came to be the person we know her as. And, as if I didn't already find her awkwardness SO DARN relatable, this book really solidified it for me. It's one of the things I love most about her, social situations are completely nerve wrecking and she handles them with an awkward anxiety that somehow comes across as adorable. Something, I pray my anxiety does, but I'm sure it just makes me look insane, lmao. She was home schooled and discovered her love of the internet, specifically games, at a very early age/stage of the internet. Like before computers were in every household sort of early! The earliest I can date my love of gaming is the Nintendo, you know the one with the little grey rectangle controllers. The one you're not supposed to blow into the cartridges but literally everyone did... So it's also nice to see how her origin story dated back. It's not something people like to talk about but there is a stigma around girls who game. If we game we're probably doing it for attention. Even back in the 90's and EARLY 2000's that was a stigma I knew about. I think it's part of why to this day I don't like people watching me game. My anxiety flares up so badly that I see every little mistake I've made and panic that the male sitting by me is thinking how stupid of a gamer I am because, you know, vagina. *shrugs* and she does touch on the famous "Gamer Gate" from a few years back. Something that I pray in 2019 we as a society are well past. Outside of that though she also REALLY discusses how "The Guild" came to be. And it was pretty exciting to read about her writing process and how they did everything from their garages. With a budget of nothing. Talk about inspiring! As a writer I beat myself up all the time that I go through huge spells of not being able to write. And here's this woman I admire telling it all, completely honest, that sometimes checking off to-do-lists in a virtual world is less nerve wrecking than trying to get through real life. It's not pretty but it's a reality for a lot of people. I think there are a lot of younger people who could use this book, use the words of someone who is considered very successful, telling them that it doesn't just happen. That there's a mental exhaustion to an extent that normal... and then there's a point where reaching out for help may be the best thing you can do. In the end I feel like this book is great for anyone who is trying to figure out who they are or if it's okay to be themselves. But if you're a gamer, remember "The Guild", or are interested in learning who the bad-ass Charlie is in real life, then please pick up a copy of this book. I'm so glad I did. I got more than I was hoping for from reading my own copy. Read on my fellow book worms, may we one day have Belle's library. And as always links to the author's pages can be found down below. The Odd 1s Out: How To Be Cool and Other Things I Definitely Learned from Growing Up
by James Rallison Book Review by Miranda Moses (Fraser) ISBN: 9780143131809 The Odd 1s Out, otherwise known as James, is a very popular youtube channel. He does Animation with adorable cartoon characters who tells stories. They're always funny, wholesome, and definitely family friendly. I will say I expected this story to be more of a graphic novel instead of a 'picture book' but it was still very enjoyable. AND this is his first book so I'm still hopeful for a graphic novel! First of all, I'm a 26 year old woman and I laughed WAY too hard at some of these stories. There's a story in here about his dog vs a chihuahua and I literally laughed so hard I woke my husband up. If I could laugh so hard at this than I'm sure the whole family can find amusement in these stories. He shares various memories of his family life, siblings, parents, school, etc. and how he survived. It made me smile because I could relate to living with a bunch of siblings and also hopeful that my own kids will have these kind of relationships. Secondly, I was a little disappointed that these were mostly stories he's already told online. If not all of them (possible I've missed or forgotten one or two). Now, if you're a big fan of his work (or your kids are) this may not matter to you. But if you're looking for a book with all new stories or comic strips, this isn't the case. Still fantastic and colorful! But stories that have already been shared. I still laughed all the same though! In conclusion, if your kids are a big fan, or you are, and you've been debating about getting this book. I say go for it! It's a cute read to have on your shelf, it's feel good stories when you need them, and a great way to support an artist who really deserves it. Read on my fellow book worms, may we one day have Belle's Library. And as always links to the author's pages can be found down below. I Hate Myselfie: A Collection of Essays
By Shane Dawson Book Review by Miranda Moses (Fraser) ISBN: 978-1-4767-9154-8 Oh, this one... This was the book I was most terrified to review. Shane Dawson is one of THE most subscribed youtubers on the platform. He is funny and caring and in recent years REALLY grown into who he is as a person. He no longer relies on horrid comedy and shock value humor that was so popular back in the day. And as someone who has watched his videos since day one, I can really attest to that, and how much of the real Shane we've been allowed to see. (I would have been about 15 when he started on youtube, so yeah it's been a long time) This book was written before he came out about his sexuality, opened up about mental problems/body dysmorphia, and before he changed the style of humor he presented to audiences. I can't stress that enough. I was scared to review this book because, while I didn't hate it, I also didn't love it. And I'm hesitant to even recommend it to my audience. BUT I don't want insane fans sending me hate. I do love Shane, but this book could have been better. AND I'm hopeful that his second book is better. Now, for starters these are a lot of older stories, some of which he has directly shared in vlogs and videos over the years. On one hand it brought a sense of familiarity for me, being a long time viewer. On the other hand it reminded me how far he's come as an influencer. I would find myself laughing at some of his jokes and knowing that this was the humor for the time. But I kept thinking this is NOT a book for children and I'm sure he has a lot of young viewers watching him and reading this book. Some of the stories were wholesome and necessary to understanding Shane... while others were just 'hilarious' stories he threw in there with exaggerated language. Continuing that thought I really want to stress the language used in this book. There is a lot of foul language and CRUDE humor. This is an example of the exaggerated language/sense of humor being used in this book, "One day she came up to me with an idea I knew was bad from the second it left her d*ck-suckin' lips." So parent's please be aware of the kind of stories you kids may be reading if you okay this book. AGAIN I am not trying to bash on Shane Dawson, I will always enjoy his content and love who he has become, but I look back at 15 year old me and wonder how I laughed so hard at some of his content.... but then again we all thought Dane Cook was funny back then too. *Shrugs* I guess we grow more than we think over the years. AND to be fair Shane is very honest that his sense of humor is juvenile and shocking (despite saying he's not a shocktuber). In the end, read this with an open mind if you so decide to continue. There is a lot of good surrounded by this 2008 shock humor. There are also adorable drawings before each story that were done by fans and put into the book, which I think is really sweet. And if you've never heard of Shane Dawson before, maybe don't use this as an example of who he is. He's come a long way. I think we all have whether or not we want to admit it. Read on my fellow book worms, may we one day have Belle's library. And as always links to the author's pages can be found below. A Sucky Love Story: Overcoming Unhappily Ever After
by Brittani Louise Taylor Book Review by Miranda Moses (Fraser) ISBN: 978-1-64293-000-9 This is the first book review in my summer 2019 series. I have wanted to do reviews on Youtuber books before but have always been apprehensive about who I support and how my readers would receive these kinds of books. But when I heard Brittani's story I knew I had to get the book and read about it for myself. If you watch Shane Dawson (another Youtuber) then you may have already been aware of this story. Because of his interview with her it took almost an extra month for my copy to get to me- that's how sold out it became! Personally, I'm glad it was sold out. This is a story that could save someone else. Now, this story's title really does sum it up. This is the story about a horrible horrible relationship. Brittani has said, "This isn't a love story. It's my story of survival". This really happened in her life. She really did meet a man on Tinder and start to fall for him. A relationship bloomed and burned in a furious and terrifying series of events. And she really did have a child with this man causing her to be a fierce mama bear who would stop at nothing to protect her baby. It's also a cautious tale about internet perception, especially if you spend a lot of your life online. Consequently this story, though it takes place from 2015-2017, is fairly short. I don't want to tell you what happens and ruin it for you guys. But I do want to discuss some of the key elements I see young women (men too) let hold them back from living their lives or getting help. Verbal manipulation is still abuse. If your partner uses your emotions against you- get out. If a little voice in your head is warning you something's not right- YOU'RE NOT SILLY. Either run or look into it. Never allow yourself to get involved with someone you believe could be dangerous or whose family you believe is dangerous. Don't EVER let someone separate you from your family/friends- this is the biggest red flag that all abusers use. Even one moment of psychical violence is too many. If you've experienced any of these or know a loved one that is, seek help. This whole story is terrifying. With each level of insanity I caught myself gasping and thanking the good Lord she got out. He is clearly a true sociopath and she would never be safe with him. In Conclusion, read this story with the knowledge that it might not be suited for certain audiences. But sometimes, those very topics, are the most important to discuss. For instance, due to the Madeline McCann docu-series on Netflix I've found myself having hard discussions with the 3rd grader. How do you protect their innocence whilst teaching them they need to be aware of the sick people in our world? We have to teach our kids and loved ones that the world is, unfortunately, dangerous. I believe if we hide the dark possibilities we are not protecting anyone. Her story of survival could be someone else's 'ah moment' or even prevent someone from ever getting into a situation like that to begin with. Please do read on my fellow book worms, may we one day have Belle's library. And as always links to the author's pages can be found down below. From Here To Eternity: Traveling The World To Find The Good Death
by Caitlin Doughty Book Review by Miranda Fraser (Moses) ISBN: 978039324897 I'm back with the non-fiction reviews, a far cry from my love of Mythology and Werewolves. But I am a huge fan of Caitlin Doughty's youtube channel, Ask A Mortician. which I will include a link to below with her other sites. She is a mortician, the owner of a non-profit funeral home, and the founder of 'The Order of the Good Death'. And I have to say I am extremely impressed with her work and the way she goes about educating people on the ins and outs of death. That is not to say that I agree with everything she says, but a good majority of it. Her views may be shocking to some, but she will present you with both sides of the argument, a lot of passion, AND historical facts. I think it's important for us to grow as humans and a society to be willing to hear what other's opinions are. In the end you can still disagree but growth cannot happen without open communication. With that being said, let's jump into what "From Here To Eternity: Traveling The World To Find The Good Death" is all about. Caitlin, as I said, is the founder of "The Order of the Good Death". This organization is all about helping people accept their fears surrounding death (after all it is the one thing we are all certain to face one day), while also understanding that the beliefs we have as culture as skewed. In her latest book she recounts her travels around the world to see how other cultures handle their dead. From India to Bolivia and Japan to America, everywhere you look there are different beliefs on how to handle the dead. Not just the bodies themselves but the memorial of who the body belonged to. She stresses the important of both. It should also be mentioned, if you didn't know by now, that Caitlin is a strong believer in a green death. Her first book is all about working in a crematory, and as she says, the industrial power and waste that lets off, is far from safe for our environment. Neither are the embalming fluids we place in the ground, and many other things that Caitlin can far greater educate you on then I can. I want you to know that because many of the rituals she encounters are all about the returning of man to the earth. Equally important to note here is that respecting the cultures is so important. She travels the world and watches so many unique and ancient methods of dealing with death. Beliefs that in America people might say are barbaric. But to those cultures it is seen as proper tradition. I truly felt while reading this that Caitlin expresses a beautiful understanding and respect of a world very different from ours. It is empowering to hear the way she speaks of them. And makes it even easier to listen to what she has to share or teach you about. I have no use for 'educators' who are careless and mean spirited. I want to learn with an open mind. Just from her descriptions of festivals and graves she has seen, my mind was vividly painting pictures and longing to see it myself. Not just because of a morbid fascination with death, but because they sound so beautiful and spiritual. Maybe not in the way other's might consider spirituality, but I, as a christian woman, am telling you that I fully support the Dias De Los Muertos in Mexico, that I am in awe of the Crestone cremation pyre, and even fascinated by the Natitas of Bolivia. The chapter about Bolivia, interestingly enough, was a hit and miss chapter for me. While I understood where Caitlin and her acquaintance where coming from feeling that the mixing of magical beliefs and Christianity was off, I have my own thoughts on that topic. Personally, I feel that as a human being if I am going to believe in "a man in the clouds" and all we believe he has created, it is ignorant to not even consider that other forms of 'magic' might exist in this world. Getting back on track though, From Here To Eternity really helps bring perspective to the world. I know that her book is sold around the world, and so perhaps other countries have learned about what our funeral industry now looks like. But I have to say that as a Western Culture we have created this phobia and this money grab around death and grief. And above all that Caitlin has done, she has fought to bring it to our attention. She shows us what we currently do, what we as a world used to do, what other cultures do to honor their deceased. And makes us realize what we could have as a culture, how we could handle death and what we can do to prepare for our own. Every time I watch her videos I try and imagine what I want for my final rites. And I'm still not sure, but the lack of options is infuriating. In conclusion if you're someone who loves to learn about other cultures, obscure facts, and even the sad reality that surrounds us, then this is your book. If you're morbidly fascinated with death, corpses, decay, and all that jazz, then this is also your book. She is perfect at discussing topics with just the right amount of wit/humor and respect. Her videos show that 100% and she covers all kinds of fascinating death related topics and stories so really look her up. You wont be disappointed! And as I mentioned this is her second book, which oddly enough, alot of people said they loved her original, almost more than this one. I've heard she's written this one in more of research-paper style while the other one was more quirky and Caitlin like. I chose to read this one first because she was in the middle of getting it published when I started watching her on youtube and I figured it would better relate to what I already loved about her. I will review the original one at a later time, but be sure to let me know what you thought of this one if you get it. Read on my fellow book worms, may we one day have Belle's library. And as always links to the author's pages can be found below. Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married
by Gary Chapman Book Review by Miranda Fraser ISBN: 978-0-8024-8183-2 Returning to Chapman, I read "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" mostly out of curiosity. Someone familiar to my fiance and I was in the midst of a divorce when they casually told us that this would be a good book for us to read. They continued that it really did sound silly, but we might take something from it. I had heard the praises of his Love Languages book and I figured what could it hurt to read this? What are things that most couples divorce over? To begin with, I am an overly cautious person, terrified of failure and my future, and so my entire life I have analyzed situations from various angles before approaching things. In becoming this way I've learned to never get into a relationship unless you know what you want in your future. And I mean this very seriously, what are the BIG things you want in your future, the things you can't compromise on? For instance are you religious, do you want kids, marriage, etc? These are all things you should figure out for yourself before you date someone, because if they don't want those things you will eventually become miserable in that relationship. I know a lot of people who thought they could eventually learn to live with the differences or could eventually coax the person to their way of thinking, and they ended up wasting years of their lives only to end in terrible break ups. A friend of mine dated a girl who hated Christmas- not just the religious side of it, but Santa and Christmas trees as well. She told him Christmas was going to be banned in their household because she didn't want her kids raised around it. He was very hurt but 'loved her' and thought he could live with this. It wasn't until their (rather nasty) breakup when he admitted how much he hated all their BIG differences and how miserable he really was. I see this happen all the time to people I love. Already knowing this, I made sure my fiance and I had all the BIG things in agreement and from there we worked on the little things. But this is a concept not a lot of people use in their lives and so they get swept up in the "in love" phase and rush into a marriage. This is what Chapman is talking about, we get so swept up in a euphoric feeling for this person, like we've never felt for anyone else, and we think nothing could go wrong. Only to get married and think "I must have married the wrong person!" In fact most of this book is him talking about how rocky his marriage was at the beginning because he and his wife discovered they were very different humans. In fact, for them it wasn't so much the BIG issues, but rather all the little things that build up! There are twelve chapters in the book, each one addressing things he wish he had realized before getting married AND consistent topics he's heard from couples in the course of 30 years of doing marriage counseling. These are issues such as: "Being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage", (this is that euphoric high I mentioned.) "That the saying 'like mother, like daughter' and 'like father, like son' was not a myth." Realizing that the actions we've seen from our parents do indeed become a part of us and the languages we speak. He address that if a son's father was an abuser he may too become one, if a woman's mother is an alcoholic she may also become one. Now, I have ALWAYS despised that saying! But I give him a lot of credit for being quick to mention that if we realize the negative actions of our parent(s) we are less likely to repeat them ourselves- you are not doomed to be the same as them. (And for a lot of people that's an important thing to hear!) "How to solve disagreements without arguing" he says there are three ways to go about this: meeting in the middle, the side, or later. And he adequately discusses how to get to the point of being able to make those decisions. "That apologizing is a sign of strength" and "Forgiveness is not a feeling"- these chapters really struck a cord with me. While I am quick to say sorry for everything, even things I didn't do, I did not grow up in a household where people readily admitted their mistakes. In fact, to this day people over 20 years my elder still live their lives by refusing to give or accept apologies and move on with their lives. It's unfortunate, but my fiance came from a family who was very open to discuss such things and give forgiveness, so he was the one to implement it into the balance of our lives. (I am extremely grateful for this.) I'd also like to note that in these chapters he mentioned the five languages of apology and how sometimes people can perceive apologies differently than the other person in the situation. I am curious to see if there is a test to find your apology language, because as I said, my family is not the best at this. "Toilets are not self cleaning", if in her home the father did it and in his home the mother did it, it may come as a shock to find out the other had this expectation of you. A common issue that married couples fight and ultimately divorce over is the dividing up of chores. THIS honestly seems to silly to me but I could see how it could be an issue for someone, I just feel like it should never be something that leads to divorce- and yet it does! There are many more topics and chapters I didn't mention, he says discussing money is a common issue, that remembering marrying someone means marrying into their family. He even discusses that mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic- male and females are wired differently in a lot of ways, and that failing to recognize your partners needs will lead to serious problems. In discussing the psychological side of sex he discusses the importance of getting your sexual past out in the open BEFORE marriage. Now, I know people who don't care about this topic at all, and some days I envy them, but for me this is a BIG issue. But again, if you're one of those people who this topic doesn't bother, then it's one less thing you have worry about in your future, lol! I mean the goal of this book is to prepare us for happy fulfilling marriages, right? The final thing I really want to discuss is the chapter on "Personality profoundly influences behavior". I mean the chapter title alone sounds silly, but I can definitely see where these would be issues that could severely impact the way you see your spouse: pessimist vs optimist, morning person vs night person, organizer vs the free spirit, etc. We say opposites attract but then can we live with them? For a lot of people it's hard to give up your way of thinking or your vision of how things should be. Chapman wanted to have breakfasts with his wife and early bedtimes for 'love' and cuddles. She wanted to sleep in and stay up late reading or watching Tv. They had to find a compromise to function so that neither person missed the important things just because they were by nature wired to sleep at different times. I know I worried about that myself, because I walk a fine line in between the two. While I am mostly a night person, I have found 5 am to be a prime time to wake up and work on my novel. I can do that most days without a care but if I do that for weeks straight my night owl comes out and BEGS for a night where I drink coffee, scroll through Pinterest, and craft till I pass out from exhaustion. I know, I'm a weird one, but that's okay because Joshua knows this and he's perfectly fine with it! Proving that figuring out what your personality differences are early on, can save you a lot of anguish later. In the end I really have enjoyed Chapman's books. They seem so simple and so common sense and yet I find myself thinking about the various languages all the time. Whenever I see couples struggling to get along I want to offer them a copy of his books and hope they find something in it to help. So here I am, they're simple but they're written clearly and might help someone's marriage so pass it along! If you're reading these because you're getting married CONGRATS! If you're working on your marriage, good for you! I support you and wish you all the best, we all deserve to be happy. I realized I never added my religion disclaimer- Chapman is a religious man and so he does mention where religion influenced his way of thinking. He does it in a very professional way and it's always fitting to the topic at hand, not thrown at you randomly. There is a chapter in this book called, "That spirituality is not equated with 'going to church'". In the beginning I mentioned that Religion is one of those BIG things that you may not be able to compromise on (whether its because you're for it or against it). Religion is a very big issue a lot of married couples have and so it was smart to add it to this book. You can always skip that chapter entirely if this is not something you can use. Read on my fellow bookworms may we one day have Belle's library! And as always links to the authors pages are below. |
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October 2020
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