The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman Book Review by Miranda Fraser ISBN: 978-0-8024-1270-6 I'd like to start by saying that I am a very critical person when it comes to self-help books. Not to mention if you've been with my page long enough, then you know I don't generally read nonfiction. (It's just my personal preference, but I encourage you to read whatever you enjoy!) But this was given to us on Valentines Day by my future MIL, it had helped her and her husband when they were having difficulty understanding the other and she thought it might be a good tool for our marriage. I figured I'd eventually read it, but I recently saw a surplus of posts on a Facebook page from husbands AND wives saying how much this book helped them turn around their marriage. Now, Joshua and I don't have problems in our relationship with communicating, especially over big things. Of course, this didn't happen over night, we have the advantage of being friends for 20 some years and being together as a couple for a long time. And everyone has disagreements or minor fights, so I'm not saying that we don't, but we are very lucky that we don't have problems that effect us on a large scale! (At least not anymore- I'll get to that). But, if this book was helping so many people, it couldn't hurt to see what it was about and give us more insight before we cross the line from engaged to married. The idea behind this book, written by a marriage counselor, is that we crave love in different ways. He calls our emotional happiness a "love-tank" and says that when we find ourselves feeling unhappy with our partner or relationship, it's because our tank is low or empty. What I might find more important in how my partner emotionally reaches out to me, may not be what is most important to my partner. It seems so simple! In fact, I've heard nasty remarks that this book "talks down to you", because it is such a simple concept. But the truth is, if you're not aware of the simple miscommunication you may be having with your partner, then this may actually be helpful. A couple of years ago if you had told me, "READ THIS IT WILL SAVE YOU SO MUCH HEARTACHE!" You probably would have been right! But now, at the point in my life that I'm at, this just seems so easy that I don't understand why all people don't get it... And then I think back to 17 year old me, and realize that I may have been on the right track in what I needed in a partner, but I may not have been properly communicating my love language or reciprocating his. So yes, it is a very simple concept, written very clearly, with examples of MANY different types of marriages that he's helped successfully counsel over the years. Secondly, Gary Chapman is a religious man and counselor. HOWEVER, the concept of love languages has nothing to do with religion. While he does mention church and God from time to time it's done while mentioning his own life and certain couple's situations. There is only ONE part of the book where he heavily talks about the bible and God. It starts on page 151 and ends on page 161, this is towards the end of the book, and it is necessary to a specific story of a woman who is very religious and so she believes heavily in staying married. He uses bible versus to help reach her, because it is something that she can understand and relate to. In my opinion, this is just being a good counselor, but if you're worried about this book because you don't want to deal with religious teachings, I can honestly say you should be able to get through this book with no trouble. Now that I feel I've adequately addressed the issues I've seen people complaining about, I'd just like to move forward with the different love languages. They are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts,Quality Time, Physical Touch. The first fives chapters of this book are all about learning what the different love languages are and using examples from real couples he's counseled or talked to. Again these are people from all different situations: married out of high school, infidelity, dated long distance and then got married, etc. What I found interesting was one of these couples had the same love language, they both needed Acts of Service to have full "love-tanks", but they were going about it very differently. He calls this speaking different dialects. In this same example the husband expected her to do all these chores and making sure dinner was ready by a certain time, etc. But he was demanding this of her, he was expecting his marriage to be the way his parents was. The problem is when you demand things from your partner you loose the spouse relationship and become a parent vs child. If we're being honest, that's unhealthy whether you're married or dating. And I've seen first hand many unhappy marriages when spouses treat the other that way. The quote from this that I highlighted was, "We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love" (97). And this opens the door for various other issues he brings up. Correspondingly, he also brings up the topic of forgiveness. He says that forgiveness is the way of love, and honestly, I probably felt that part of the book the deepest. Like I said, my fiance and I did not start off as the "perfect couple". Were we always drawn to the other and crazy about the other? Yes. Does that mean that we knew how to communicate our feelings, needs, wishes, etc? NOPE. And here we're in our 20's and let me just say that the first year of our relationship involved a lot of changing attitudes and behaviors, growing as a couple, forgiveness 1000%, and overcoming obstacles both financial and family related. Maybe that's why we're so steady now? We didn't get to have that "honeymoon phase" where you think everything is perfect. But our solid present does not mean that things from our past necessarily stop hurting us and so I felt that this was a very proper quote: Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love. 'I love you. I care about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse and together we will go on from here (Chapman 45). It is admittedly a little hallmark-ish for real life, but the point of it is true. That's how relationships grow and survive. As I mentioned in the earlier example of the husband who expected his marriage to be the same as his parents, we are molded by what we have been brought up around. So for some their partners love language may be VERY foreign to you. If you had a family that didn't share their emotions and your spouse needs that, you may find it hard to learn how to speak their love language. Chapman also discusses that and the little ways you can build up to fully speaking their language.
Finally, the over all concept of this book is very simple but I do think it was a great read. For me it was a clear sign that we've made the right moves in building a steady foundation for our marriage. For my future MIL, she grew up in a different type of family and it was hard for her to understand that my future FIL shows love through acts of service. It helped them better understand what the other needed to feel loved. I can't say how this book will help you and your loved one, but I do think it is worth the read. He also has books on love languages for dealing with your teenagers and children, because their love languages are just important to them growing up to be healthy functioning adults. I almost forget to mention that at the end of this book is a little quiz for him and for her, that helps you find out what your love languages are. Now, I actually got a tied score on mine, but after thinking about what he said throughout the book, I realized that the one WAS more important than the other! I look forward to hearing what you think of this book and if it has helped you and your partner in anyway. Read on my fellow books worms! Links to the author's pages are below.
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First Year of Marriage: The Newlywed's Guide to Building a Strong Foundation and Adjusting to Married Life
by Marcus and Ashley Kusi Book Review by Miranda Fraser ISBN: 9780692725184 If you've stuck around in the book review series this long than you've probably noticed that all these books were recommended to us by a loved one. This time, however, I actually found this one by myself and thought it might be a nice way to wrap up this series. The big thing I liked was the quote from the authors, a married couple, "If you are a newlywed, just got engaged, looking to remarry or improve your marriage, this book is for you. It's an indispensable guide for building a strong foundation and adjusting to married life. We wrote this book for all couples irrespective of sexual orientation or spiritual beliefs". With that being said, I also hope it will work for all my readers! The fact that a married couple wrote this together gave me a lot of hope. What does an actual married couple think of their life together and how they've grown as a couple? In the other books it was one person talking about their marriage, but in this case we receive snippets from both spouses. As they said in the before mentioned quote, their ultimate goal was to build a strong foundation for their marriage. Now, I feel that starts long before the vows, but they are still right that your first year of marriage is very telling in defining how you are going to function. From what I've read, and heard from people I've talked to, it's after about two years that you stop having that 'in love feeling' and then the thoughts of divorce really start to creep in. That's one extra year! If you don't have a good start, that second year is going to be like trying to walk down a wet hill. For Joshua and I, we had a very rough first year, and our actions ultimately defined whether we were willing to work through all the BS and hardships to stand where we are now. If the first year of dating can be so important in terms of building a strong relationship, why wouldn't the first year of marriage be the same? This is where Ashley and Marcus begin to discuss the struggles they had to go through to get to where they are today. They each shared things they had to learn about the other- for instance he was a saver and she was a spender. In his country debt wasn't a thing and money was taken very seriously. We all know that in America credit cards are the norm, student debts, loans, etc. So to hear, this was a very strange way to think! But learning to hear their partner out and listen is a central part of their marriage. For the first bit of the book I found myself nodding and chuckling that once again they were saying the same things the previous books had stated as well. Fight fair, remember you're on one team, listen, set boundaries, etc. All things I agree with, mind you, but it's entertaining from the standpoint that if all marriage books say the same thing, than why are so many couples unable to stay happy within their marriage? As the book progressed a little bit further I actually found myself relating to a lot of what Ashley said. She was the emotional one, the one who copes by turning away and getting silent, the one with the tumultuous family and stressed out nerves. I could so relate! And Joshua got a laugh out of that as well. As I've said before, he's the one who actually got us communicating about our emotions and problems. (Thank you again to my future MIL, I know you're the one who taught him those skills.) I think finding myself able to relate to the authors was key to feeling like we really are on the right track. The authors pointed out that as human beings you will never stop growing, changing, and learning! Therefore serious communicating with your spouse is the most important thing you can do. You should never stop dating your spouse. Something I've heard MANY happy couples say! The fact that they acknowledged that you will change throughout your life felt so reassuring. We hear so many people saying that your expectations and dreams will change, and that any of those things could break your marriage. To hear the testimonies of what they learned to overcome and HOW they did it, was enlightening and lent us more tools towards the task of a 'happily ever after'. Throughout the various chapters in this book they go over topics such as: becoming one team- going from I to We, learning how to fight fair (something our pastor was also heavily pushing), and honing your communication skills. They also express how important money and budgeting is (this is something I've known many couples to divorce over). They also briefly discuss spirituality, nurturing your marriage, sexual intimacy and open conversation. What was different in this book than in the others was that they suggest having a "family theme". That sounded so crazy but I'm sure for some families it can work out really well. In fact, when you get married you may have a 'vision' of your future that could very well be what you and your spouse need for a "family theme". In the authors' case their family theme is peace. They also suggest marriage check-ups. While I enjoy the idea, I don't think weekly check ups, as they suggest in the book, would work for my partner and I. I feel as though we'd get annoyed constantly sitting down to discuss whether we're still making the other happy in all aspects of our marriage. I mean we joke that I am the girl in this comic strip by SarahAnderson: www.gocomics.com/sarahs-scribbles/2014/11/12 So, I could see us checking in every so many months, but personally, weekly doesn't work for us as a couple. And honestly, that's okay! It's okay to use some of the advice your in-laws give you, some of the advice your pastor sends your way, and some of the advice your married friends give you. That's all okay- as long as you and your spouse are happy with your decisions and find what works best for your family! But I digress, moving back to the book I found it interesting how they include a list of questions to discuss with your partner- from 'If I was unable to have children due to a medical reason: how would that affect our marriage?' to 'What if you find yourself attracted to another person and entertaining thoughts of cheating?'. There's also, 'who should take the trash out?' to 'What is something I do now or might do in the future that would make you not trust me?'. There's actually quite a few questions, and a bunch I was surprised with. But they're all real things you should discuss in your marriage. For that I give this book positive support! The final thing I want to mention about this book being different is that throughout the chapters they mention books on the topics of: budgeting, stress, communication, etc. Because even though they are writing about how to help your first year of marriage, they have been married for several years with two kids and have read most of these books over the years in their quest for a peaceful-happy marriage. And to me, the fact that after all this time, they're still working on their marriage is beautiful. Too many people stop working on their marriage once they've said "I do". If you're looking for a book with little to do with religion this will be the one you should be able to comfortably read no problem. They still cover the necessary issues and give great advice as well as personal experience to learn from. They give you new tools and different perspectives on the same topics. Perhaps this book could be the one to help you with whatever you're searching for? As I said before if you're reading this series because you're engaged and preparing for marriage or your working on your marriage I applaud and congratulate you. I hope one of the books in this series helped you! Read on my fellow book-worms may we one day have Belle's library! And as always links to the authors pages are below. |
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October 2020
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